WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE POKEMON GUYS
by NeoKadaj
Summary: You have to have seen FF Advent Children and the Naruto episode when Gramma becomes Hokage to understand some of the jokes.And you have to especially like to make fun of Ash. Whoo Hooo! WA MU Free Checking.
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

**THE STORY OF WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE POKEMON GUYS**

This is a story about what actually happened to all those pokemon guys who everyone thought was cool.

**OPENING**

When **Ash** got older he thought queen Ashe from Final Fantasy XII was hot so he added an E to the end of his name to become a Queen Ashe Impersonator. He was arrested for treason by the Empire and was in jail for 5 years. When he got out he was abducted by the WHASWWKHFCHDUG (We Hate Ash(e) So We Will Kill Him Forever Cause He Dumped Us Gang) and was never seen again...

**Misty** was the original founder of WHASWWKHFCHDUG (pronounced: wuh-haz-wik-fitch-dug). She became all gangstery and kidnapped Ash and she was never seen again except in several unproven sightings of her streaking through peoples yards nude with an UNPT (Unidentified Nude Pokemon Trainer) named Ash(e).

**Brock** had a rice ball restaurant until 2002 when he added an A to his name and became a politician. Barack is very hip and fist-poundy.

**May, Dawn, Harley, and all the other girls Ash(e) left in the dust** joined WHASWWKHFCHDUG

**Max** decided to turn evil and create card game called Duel Monsters. Because he became rich and had a million dollars he added "a million" to his name. Because he was rich he hired a tutor to teach him how to read (he actually went through about 12 tutors). Max especially liked the story about the "purty wingy horsy" so he added Pegasus to his name too. Yup, you got it. Maximilian Pegasus. And as if he wasn't enough of a doofus already, he decided to pick on a little 12 year old "Master of Games" cause he couldn't beat anyone his own age at the card game he created. Pathetic.

**Sephiroth (OK so he's not really from Pokemon) **made his poor evil brother Kadaj resurrect him and then the big oaf went and got himself killed by an 18 year old with six swords in two hands again. But just at that moment he gave his brother his body back and Kadaj died for him. Then ol' Sephy became a male underwear model in the afterlife where Aeris and Zack repeatedly kicked him in the crotch. Well that's what you get for stealing the earth's life force, ya fool.


	2. Chapter 2: Starting the Story Now

1**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN POKEMON OR ANYTHING OR ANY PEOPLE I USE IN THIS STORY OR FINAL FANTASY VII CHARACTERS BUT I WISH I DID BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT PLEASE DON'T SUE ME JUST TELL ME TO TAKE SOMETHING OUT AND I WILL. I ONLY OWN MY STUFF LIKE OC'S (ORIGINAL CHARACTERS) AND MAYBE THE STORY BUT I DON'T KNOW IF SOMEONE ALREADY WROTE THIS STORY SO SORRY IF THEY DID BUT I DON'T THINK SO LOL.**

**CHAPTER 2**

Police Headquarters.

One year after the kidnaping of Ash(e) Ketchum (lets just call him Ash from now on).

"So, hows the case goin, Chief?" Said Brock, who was now working for the PPD (Pokemon Police Department a.k.a. PokeCops). "Not good Brock. Your old friend really got himself into trouble this time. Can't we just declare him dead or something?" replied the Chief. "NO! I WILL FIGHT UNTIL I FIND HIM!" Yelled Brock. "God, use your inside voice!" exclaimed the Chief in response to Brocks yelling.

Little did they know that Ash and Misty were accidentally sucked into the underworld by Chaos, the Lord of the Afterlife, instead of McKane. **That** explains why he's so old. While waiting for their number to be called in the waiting room of the underworld, Ash and Misty were hypnotized by Sephiroth dancing in his underwear. Being killed two times by that Cloud guy must have went to his head, and he thought he was his beheaded would-be mother Jenova. **That** explains the creepy male underwear model thing. So Ash and Misty were hypnotized into thinking they were underwear models, too. Except they were not wearing underwear. Do not ask me why they were not. I do not know, and do not want to. But they escaped the underworld. **That** explains the streaking thing. Ok, so now that we're clear on all that stuff, lets move on.

Just then Sephiroth snapped out of his hypnotic trance for unknown reasons and left the underworld muttering something about hating that little kid and finding his other two brothers. Psycho. But when Sephiroth snapped out of his trance, so did Misty and Ash, just as they were running through Central Park and into a live news report on StarFox5 news. "Hey, where am I?" said Misty. "HAHAHA!" Said Ash. "Your NAKED! HAHAHAHA!" "What are you laughing at? So are you!" said Misty. "Oh man... Oh well, wanna go get some ramen?" replied Ash. "Sure" said Misty. "Oh, wait, we need to go steal someone's shirt and shoes first. Ya know, 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service'" realized Misty. "Oh yeah, look, there's Gary and Annabel, lets go take their shoes." "Are we gonna be on the Dave Letterman Show?" asked Ash. "Probably" Said Misty "What the #& are you doing? Look at those two kids!" exclaimed StarFox5 Newscaster Simmons.

"Oh man, this ramen is good! But it's really drafty in here!" Complained Ash. "Well, next time you decide to dump someone, think twice, cause she might just start a gang that has too many words in it to say in one breadth that kidnaps you and you and the gang leader might be sucked into the underworld through the Jade Passage by the Demon of Pandemonium, Chaos, and you might be hypnotized into thinking you're an underwear model by a delusional dead tyrant with a weird Japanese name and you might just end up eating ramen at RamenKing with no clothes on." replied Misty smartly. "I dunno, but if that was supposed to be a comeback it was **really** bad." said Ash. Just then Cloud Strife walked in. "Cloud! Buddy! Over here!" yelled Ash. "Ash? Ketchup?. What's Up?" replied Cloud. "Ketchum. Ketch-um. I's a pun on Catch Them, ya know, gotta catch 'em all. Anyway, I need help" said Ash. "I'm looking for someone"said Cloud. "I know where 'ol Sephy is. I'll tell you if you help me." said Ash cleverly. "You do?" asked Misty. "No, but he doesn't know that" Ash 'whispered' back to Misty. "You know I'm right here" replied Cloud. "Yeah, but she doesn't know that" Said Ash. "Yeah I do" said Misty, "Do yourself a favor and don't whisper anymore. Use morse code. Or Pig Latin. Or Gibberish. Or Spanish. Or just don't speak at all". "I like the last one" said Cloud. "I was, uh... just joking!" said Ash, "Gotcha! I do know where Sephiroth is! Just get me some clothes and I'll help you!" claimed Ash. "Whatever" agreed Cloud, "Come on".

Back at Cloud's House.

"So this is Midgar. I always wondered what it was like here. I've never been out of Pokemon Land, except that one time when I... um, I've never been out of Pokemon Land!" said Ash. "Here, put these on, you guys. These are my extra clothes." said Cloud. "Cool! I'm gonna look like you!" exclaimed Ash excitedly. Just then Clou ripped off the left sleeve from his shirt. "I had this Evil Gingivitis thing on my arm, but it's better now, so I don't need the sleeve". "Goooood for youuu." Said Ash sarcastically. "Wait a minute Ash, those are the wrong clothes, take these, they'll fit you better" said Cloud as he traded the clothes in Ash's hands for a different set. "I guess I'm so tall I need a bigger size" smirked Ash. "Your like two feet shorter than him" replied Misty. "Psh...Psh... what do you mean?" said Ash, trying to blow off what was, to him, the ultimate insult. "I mean that you-are-short" said Misty slowly, mocking Ash. But it went right over his head, considering his brain only works so fast. "That's not fair, he counts his hair!" complained Ash.

"You guys done yet?" asked Cloud. "Yeah" said Misty, who emerged from behind one of those Japanese boards you change behind wearing a garment similar to Cloud's. "Awe man, why do I get the wimpy kilt?" wined Ash. "Oh, that's not a kilt, that's Tifa's skirt. Sorry, there weren't any of my outfits left. Lets put on Letterman."

'Before the Night Show (Late how is patented) comes on, I'd like to apologize for a word I said earlier today that may have offended some of you. I am deeply sorry and will not make such a mistake again." It was Newscaster Simmons from StarFox5 News.

"Whoa, look at this clip of two naked guys stealing someone's shoes and shirts and run into RamenKing!" exclaimed Ash. "That was you" said Cloud. "Oh yeah. Awe man."


	3. Chapter 3: We're Getting to the Plot Now

**DISCLAIMER 2.0: I DON'T OWN ANY PEOPLE OR BANDS OR SONGS OR ANYTHING. I KNOW THIS IS A FAN FICTION SO I DON'T REALLY NEED A DISCLAIMER BUT WHATEVER YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND (I MEAN REAL FRIEND NOT SOME WHIMPY GUY I MET ONLINE AND CALL MY FRIEND) JBSTORMBURSTADV TOLD ME IT WAS A GOOD IDEA SO HE'S LIKE A GENIUS SO I'LL TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT. WHATEVER. NOT WHATEV OR WTVR BECAUSE THAT'S FOR GEEKS WHO THINK THERE COOL. I THINK THESE DISCLAIMER THINGS ARE BECOMING MORE LIKE A BLOG. I HATE BLOGS. WITH A PASSION. BLOGS ARE FOR WHIMPS. SO I'LL CALL IT A DISCLAIMER. SOMEBODY SMACK ME IF I START WRITING DEAR DIARY AT THE START OF THESE THINGS. WHATEVER. HERE'S CHAPTER 3. NOT THAT ANYONE EVEN REVIEWED CHAPTER ONE OR TWO. EXCEPT MY OTHER REAL FREIND WHO IS REAL AND NOT ONLINE FORMERLY KNOWN AS GUITAR LEGEND. NOW HE HAS SOME GAY NAME LIKE ANIME MASTER AND THEN A NUMBER LIKE MAYBE 216, BUT WHATEVER. HIS LOSS. I LIKE TO CHANGE MY NAME EVERY SO OFTEN TO CONFUSE PEOPLE. SO GUITAR LEGEND IS MINE! COO COO CACHOO!**

**CHAPTER 3**

Sephiroth was running. Fastly. Well, I guess that's what running is, fast walking. But he was running really, really, really, fast. So fast that people couldn't see him. Cloud was after him, after Ash made up a location as to where Sephiroth might be to prevent Cloud from beating him to a bloody pulp, and just happened to be right. Plus he had new novelty X-Ray vision glasses he got at a vendor on the street. He was busy running fastly and looking through people's clothes like the little pervert he is when he saw through a fake mustache and glasses to find out that it was Paul McCartney in a disguise which he had picked up at the same vender that sold X-Ray glasses. That was when it all went wrong. Now pretend this happens in slow motion. Ya know, make it dramatic in your mind. Sephiroth stops for an autograph , just as Cloud swings his sword down over his head. Seems pretty good, right? No. Just then Sephiroth uses his novelty time-traveling wristwatch (also from the vendor) to travel to when Cloud was a kid and kill him. "I'll be back!" were his last words before he disappeared. But Cloud's sword kept going and got lodged in Mr. McCartney's mustache. "Sorry about the 'stache sir. Said Cloud as he ripped the blade out and started running. "There's only one person who can help me now."

**DISCLAIMER 2.5: I KNOW CLOUD STRIFE IS KINDA BECOMING ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS. THERE WAS NO DESCRIPTION OF HIM IN THE CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION BECAUSE HIS CHARACTER HASN'T CHANGED SINCE THE END OF ADVENT CHILDREN. SORRY POKEFANS. YOU MIGHT THINK THIS PART WAS BORING. AND SHORT, FOR THAT MATTER. BUT ASH IS COMING BACK. PS I WILL BE USING REFERENCES TO THE PEOPLE FROM AMERICAN IDOL SOMETIMES. PSS I DON'T OWN ANY OF THIS STUFF I TALK ABOUT. PSS I THINK THIS WILL BE MY LAST DISCLAIMER**

"Hello there! And who might you be?" exclaimed Oak in his overly-enthusiastic-sometimes-creepy-yet-very-monotone voice. "The name's Strife. Cloud Strife. I need your help" "Well, what can I do for you?" asked Oak in that voice again. "My God, you don't know how hard it is to talk like this all the time." Oak suddenly dropped the annoying tone. "So wazzap Cloudy?" "Well, I was really bored yesterday while I was pondering how to get to Sephiroth before he kills me as a child, and there was nothing but cooking shows on cable, so I put on this dorky Pokemon movie with this time traveling green animal thing, and I saw you were in it, so I figured, well, you know, that maybe you could hook me up, or something." said Cloud. "Of Course!" said Professor Oak "Celebii! Get out here NOW!" His voice suddenly becoming harsh. "Yes master, dawg" said Randy Jackson from a back room. "Did I just hear Randy Jackson?" asked a confused Cloud. "No, No, No, that was Celebii, silly." Oak's tone now joking and light. Sure enough, a floating green Pokemon emerged from the back door, all sweaty and greasy. "Yo, waddaya want dawg, I was busy, dawg." asked Celebii. Oak replied, "I want you to take this young man back through time. Oh, and go get Ash and the gang first."


	4. Chapter 4: No Disclaimer Cliff Hanger

**CHAPTER 4**

"I'm gonna go back in time and save you with my ninja powers! Believe It!"

"Get Naruto out of here Celebii!" commanded Oak. "Ok, let me go over the plan." " No! Thats not a professor! That's Orochimaru! Really! Nooooo!" screamed Naruto as he was shoved into the back room. "So" continued Oak as if nothing happened, "We hook you and Celebii up to the machine-" "Wait, what machine?" asked Cloud. Meanwhile, Celebii is making hand motions in back of Oak and mouthing to Cloud 'yo, run away dawg! Run away fastly'. But Cloud's life depended on this. He had no choice. "-and that's how the machine works." Cloud snapped back right as Oak was finishing up the explanation of the (probably illegal) time machine. "Yeah, right, umm... why do we need a time machine when we have Celebii?" asked Cloud. "It's... more fun that way. hehehehe...Hahahahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So you guys want some coffee before you leave?" Oak seems to be getting creepier by the second. "Uhhhh... I'm not so sure I want anything from you after that..." said Cloud skeptically. "I'll take some! Said Ash as he emerged from the shadows with a crowd of people behind him. Misty was back in her regular clothes, but Ash was still in the dress. "So- Wait a minute... Ash, WHY are you still wearing that?" asked Cloud. "I like the breeze." replied Ash. "Take it off. Now." said Cloud. "No, not here, go in the back room" said Cloud as Ash began to strip. "With that Naruto freak? Nice try!" "He's cooler than you" said Cloud. "A lot cooler" "That hurt, man, that hurt" All of a sudden in a puff of light and smoke, Ash was in his normal season 1 outfit. That's a little thing I call the magic of fan fiction. "So, before we save myself, we have to find Sephiroth, and I'm pretty sure I know where he stopped before going to me." "Where?" asked May "A little place I like to call..."

You'll Find out next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5: The Now Returns Now

**CHAPTER 5**

"Par-" Cloud was cut off by a very overexcited Ash**. "Disneyland!** YES! I LOVE THAT PLACE!" "No" said Cloud "Para-"** "**SIX FLAGS! YES! THIS PLACE IS SO ONE FLAG! MORE FLAGS MORE FU-"** "NO!" **"No need to yell, man!" said Ash. "We're going to Paradise City!" finished Cloud finally.

"Huh?" asked Ash, confused. "Like the Guns N Roses song" explained Cloud. "Oh! Welcome to the Jungle! I get it!" replied Ash. "And you two go out?" asked Cloud to Misty. "Yeah..." replied Misty gloomily. "Now I know why he quit school in fifth grade to "train" Pokemon." concluded Cloud. "Lets Go"

"Now, be prepared, this may be immensely painful, plus it might drain your life force a little bit" said Oak. "What?!" exclaimed Cloud, who was already strapped on to the outside of the machine. "Oh... nothing, nothing..." Oak started to whistle 'innocently' as he climbed into the inside of the machine. "I'll be right here inside where it's safe" "Wait! Stop this thing! Now!" Yelled Cloud over the whirring of the machine as it started to spin. "Hehehe... HaHaHaHaHa... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TOO LATE!" Lauged Oak. And the machine dissapeared.

"Whoa, Delirioud Ninja Boy Naruto, when did you get here?" asked Ash, who was strapped down to the side of the spinning machine next to the "Delirious Ninja Boy" as Ash called him (spawning Ash's new nickname "Delirious PokeBoy") "I was here the whole time!" Your just blind!" Yelled Naruto back. "No way, your just smelly!" yelled Ash, who is incredibly bad at comebacks "Fight!" he yelled. They both started flapping their arms at each other, but since they were strapped down they were just waving their arms in the air. "Wow, is that some kind of new wave fruity sissy fight?" Asked Misty. "I think their having some kind of seizure attack breakdown thing" answered May.

They arrived at Paradise City without incident.

"Hey, What's wrong with this place? Asked Brock, who apparently came along for the ride on the time machine. "Last time I was here everyone's grass was green, and the pretty girls would tan on them. Now the lawns are all dead and the girls are gone." "Yeah, this place sure has changed since me and Axl wrote the song." Sighed Cloud. "Oh, well. We'll have to go somewhere fun on the way home to make up for this, but for now we need to find Sephiroth." 'So the group progressed through the city in pursuit of the evil Ex-SOLDIER. But what they didn't know was that Sephiroth was waiting for them with an army of angry, pretty girls.' Said the annoying Pokemon Narrator. "Hey, you know we can hear you?" yelled Cloud up to the sky.


	6. Chapter 6: The First Battle Now

1**CHAPTER 6**

_**NEW!**_** DISCLAIMER: I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I EVEN POSTED CHAPTER 5... I WROTE IT SO LONG AGO BUT I THINK I FORGOT TO POST IT... IF I DIDN'T THIS IS GONNA BE FREAKIN CONFUSING. WHATEVER.**

As the large party walked down the deserted streets of Paradise City, they ran into their first Randomly Encountered Enemy. "We're gonna have to split up! Hurry up! Only three people to a party! Misty, Brock, Come with me!" Yelled Cloud as he started the battle. The FF VII battle music begins to play, and the three heroes start to bounce up and down on their toes. "Why are we bouncing like this?" asked Misty. "You'll get used to it" said Cloud. "Look!"yelled Brock "It's the Pretty Girls! They're... ZOMBIES!" "No" said Cloud "Yes" said Brock. "No" said Cloud "Yes" said Brock "Yes" said Cloud "No" said Brock "HaHa" taunted Cloud "You fell for the Bugs Bunny trick". One of the Zombie Girls Pounced towards Misty. "I'll save you!" Yelled Brock. "**Limit Break:** **Omni-Spicy Riceball**!" Rice Balls flew toward the Zombie, burrying her, entrapping her in a spicy ricey tomb. "One Down" called Cloud. "Two to go". The other Zombies were soon defeated, and the party continued their quest. "Stop. Seriously, Dude, Stop. It's getting real annoying." Cloud complained to the Pokemon Narrator.


	7. Chapter 7: Second Battle Now

** CHAPTER 7**

OK... So maybe there's been too much Final Fantasy, little and/or no Pokemon... but this chapter will change that. This chapter will not mention Cloud Strife at all, I promise you. Darn it. I already lose.

Ash, Celebii, and Oaks Battle was different. It was a Pokemon battle. As the gay battle music began to play (contrary to the awesome FF VII Battle Music... For Those About to Fight! (Is that the song name?)) Two Pokemon came onto the battle screen... A big buzzing rectangle that looks like when you turn on a TV without an antenna, and a big round circle with a question mark in it. "It's a double battle!" yelled Ash. "Oh No... Dawwwwwwg... you aint gonna make me fight again, are you dawg??" Celebii asked Oak. "_I'm Not Oak..._" said Professor Oak in a creepy high-pitched voice. A sword sticking out of a snake's mouth sticking out of a tongue sticking out of Orochimaru's mouth stabbed Celebii through the heart. Oaks Body was lying on the floor, semi-lifeless. "You possessed Professor Oak!" said Ash. "Not bad. It's really hard... I've tried before." "HaHa you fools! You fell right into my trap! Now I can Destroy you fools! HAHAHAHA FOOLS! FOOLS! FOO- unhhhggg" Orochimaru fell to the floor as the real, now-conscious professor Oak stabbed him with his own tongue. "He was in the middle of his victory lecture! That was great!" Yelled Ash. "Poor Celebii" said Oak, in mourning (not in the morning, in mourning) "Oh well, let's continue the battle"

"OMG! Look who we have to fight!" Yelled Ash. "We have to Run!". "No." Said Oak, rather heroically. " In my weakened state and your... ummm... whimpy state, we don't stand much of a chance against them, but we have to try." Said Oak, " I have a bone to pick with these guys!"

Who are these guys? Die Hard (and/or just really old) Pokemon fans will know who, and you will too...

Next chapter!


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